43 days.....

Has it truly been almost a month since I last posted? Unbelievable. I'm terrible at this.

My mood is all over the place lately. I have the elation of getting married coupled with the misery and dread of having more bills than income. This is probably true for all marrying couples. The problem is, this is true for us even before wedding expenses come into play. I can feel my life shifting and aligning; but to what?

Oy, what have I gotten myself into? It seems these days I am filled with nothing but conflict (what's new?) Am I stupid for throwing my finances under the bus for this celebration? I so rarely seek attention that I have a hard time accepting than I deserve it. A short channel surfing session reminds me that even though I am finding my event to be opulent and overly spendy, it is still a mere fourth of the average wedding price tag.

But comparisons do not matter when other peoples' experiences do not change your situation. I am fully confident that we will be saving, spending, and repaying our many debts in time. For now it is simply painful. Planning the happiest day of your life on a shoestring can be taxing, especially with other brides calling your dream day names like "tacky" because your budget is not as impressive or grandiose as theirs. It is as if all meaning of the day has been lost in our culture. It saddens me, but my heart is lit back up by the appreciation that I am blessed enough to see what is truly important. Generally speaking centerpieces and linen quality do not fall into that category.

I have tried incredibly hard to keep the true spirit of my wedding day in mind. Myself, my groom, and the connection we share should be all that matters; so I invite only those who love us deeply enough to follow us into the mountains. This is where we go to be renewed in our love and in our own individual spirits. This is where we go to find peace. What better place to make eternal vows of love to each other? But then come the snags, which are many. A destination wedding should not be taken as lightly as I did when the process began, when I found I could marry in the park for an impressively reasonable $150. A million things can and do go wrong, and usually they stem from the very people you are trying to include in your special day.

The truth is, though, that my guests have all been incredible. I know there must be some raised eyebrows. I am forcing these loved ones to, after a long flight, drive four hours into wilderness to their hotel. I am then asking them to drive two hours each way between the ceremony and reception on the wedding day. I am asking them to shed their inhibitions and spend an afternoon in a state park to truly absorb what Abe and I hold dear. Perhaps worst of all, I am asking them to dance at an alcohol-free reception.

You would think with such inconveniences, I would have a torch-weilding mob on my hands; but no. Instead I am getting kind inquiries: What can I do to help? Is there anything you need me to do for you on the wedding day? What kind of gifts would you like? As if I need a gift, after they have trekked across the world for me!

Most appreciated is the sincere sentiment I am getting. I can't wait! This is going to be so much fun! I can't believe it's you in a wedding dress! This trip is going to kick ass, I get to make a vacation of it!
I feel I must repay their love with a night to remember. Only through them am I making this possible. Thank god I have artistic, creative, and amazingly smart friends! And ones with the generosity to share those talents with me. And of course there is the not-so-small matter of the generous financial contributions from our parents. They are a true blessing, since many many people are unlucky enough to not have parents at all; and many still have parents unwilling or unable to contribute.

OUR finances are the only source of my frustration, but as many can attest, they have a way of overshadowing all else. Debt clouds as black as night hover over me and cause me to lose sleep. Turbulent number-juggling warps in my brain, bending, never quite making sense. Oh, the joys of marrying in a recession! It will surely be a cautionary tale for my future children to ignore.

I began this entry feeling beaten, worn, and tired. I am leaving it feeling rejuvinated and hopeful. As I have learned personally, financial problems will come and go, and focusing on them is a bottomless pit of energy waste. Much like trying to predict the future. What a lesson to bring into a marriage!